So many things have happened since I last came here.
This year will be forever marked. My father died in my arms. It feels so final to write that, but that’s how final it is. He will never be back in our lives again. I try to relive the moments again and again, but they slip away, like dreams you cannot remember, like dreams that dissolve in the bright liquid sunlight of the day.
I wish it had been like in the movies. I wish we had known, that we were ready, we were gathered around, serious and somber, waiting for that final moment. We didn’t know, we weren’t ready, we were running in and out, tired and frantic, trying to get him ready for the hospital from where we had brought him home just a couple of days before.
I was right there, and I didn’t know it. If I could change one thing, I would change that. I would sit by his side, stroking his wizened hand, and put on his favorite song. I did do all that, in fact I did just that in the morning. Just not during his last moments. A rolling eye, a single tear, and I did not put two and two together – I was never good at math.
So he’s gone now, and life goes on: merrily, pitiless, single-minded. I don’t think too far ahead nowadays, I take one day at a time. I am grateful I have such wonderful people in my life. My family – the strongest one could ever ask for. My friends – always willing, always helping, always there to share both laughter and tears. The entire universe – always going ahead, never looking back.
It’s hard to believe I’ve reached a half-century on this third rock from the sun. I barely knew the uphill struggle – it’s all faint memories. I trust the downhill slide will be just as smooth. There are so many things on the horizon, yet they don’t disturb me.
One day at a time. That’s the only thing given. And I’m ok with it. Years will go rolling by, and when the time comes, gathering moss will have its own charm.