Today I saw a poster that said:
In Three Words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned in Life –
It Goes On
That reflects my mood exactly.
The latter half of this year has been depressing in the literal sense. I’ve never felt this down and out in my life before. As I was explaining to my mom: It feels like I’ve just lost all hope. And life without hope is pretty much meaningless, isn’t it?
It was a very puzzling time. I had no idea what was wrong or how I could put it right. I just did not want to interact with familiar company. Luckily, I could still be normal with DH and Lil D. Or complete strangers. But friends and family — I withdrew from them almost completely. I was irritated and restless and angry around them. I didn’t want to have anything to do with them. Try explaining that!
I even went to a doctor who promptly prescribed anti-depressants. That scared me even more. No way, unless I was so depressed that I couldn’t even get out of bed.
I did put in public appearances: I participated in a family wedding for three days(!), I went to a school and gave a talk on poetry and writing(!), I went for a movie… But all impersonal stuff, where I wouldn’t have to interact too closely with anyone. I just holed up at home otherwise, refusing all contact with the external world.
I don’t know if this will lift any time soon, but I’m trying my best. I’m stepping out now, making eye contact and smiling at other people, interacting with my friends and family a bit more. I’m trying, but sometimes, it just gets too hard, and I want to curl back up into a tight ball, close my eyes, and go to sleep forever. I’m blessed to have DH and Lil D in my life; they keep me sane.
I’m taking this one step at a time, and today, for some reason, I am feeling nostalgic (and a little rueful) about the many friends who’ve come and gone in my life.
So let me end this year on a happier note with the three words that always spread cheer and bring some hope:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!