By nature, I’m a person who hates controversy, confrontation, and conflict. I will almost always opt for the peaceable way, even if it sometimes means apologizing for no fault of mine.
The problem with this is the expectation that I will keep peace at all times, I will smile at all problems, and I will show an inhuman tolerance to all kinds of nonsense. In other words, I am not permitted to get angry or irritated or annoyed, or to be more precise, I am not to express such emotions openly. When I do, it is met with astonishment and puzzlement, not to mention reciprocal temper shows.
I often wonder whether it would be better to be the “angry young (or in my case old) woman” rather than the Buddha. People don’t bat an eyelid if you are perpetually steamed and yelling and cursing. Every temper tantrum of mine, however, is accompanied by a lingering sense of guilt that I lost control and I wasn’t the peace-loving persona I was meant to be.
I guess it’s a personal choice finally, but honestly, at times, I want to brandish my license to see red and shout — HEY! I CAN GET ANGRY TOO!