When I wrote the previous post, I was already in the middle of the worst funk I have ever experienced in my life. Absolutely nothing was penetrating that thick fog I was in the middle of, cold and alone, barely seeing things, just aware of drifting shapes in the periphery.
I was on auto-pilot. I woke up as usual, attended to the house and its inmates, met my deadlines at work, did my usual walk-n-talk exercise routines…nothing was outwardly wrong. But inside, I felt scooped out, hollow, just a shell. I spoke to my inner circle, trying to figure out what was going on. Tried reading, music, exercise, the works, but circled back to the same desperation, the same hopelessness that nothing really mattered any more.
Then, as if clutching at straws, I signed up for a Bollywood dance class. Now I’m not a complete stranger to dance. I prefer choreography. I used to watch the dance-drama ballets on DD avidly. I loved music that ignited my imagination. I thought getting out of the house and moving my body would help.
Picking up the steps required a bit of effort initially, but was not exactly difficult. Remembering the steps was also not an uphill task. But getting the body to follow exact instructions? Ah! That was a different ball-game altogether!
Neurons lying in a state of disrepair and disuse were revived. They wheezed and coughed and grumbled through the cobwebs and dust. The wiring was all faulty. Every now and then, a circuit completed successfully, and a light bulb crackled alive.
I sweated buckets. The blues didn’t miraculously disappear, but they did seem a bit paler with all the flashing lights. The body bent and stretched and twisted, the mind untwisted and relaxed a little.
Then, this Navaratri, non-stop garba/dandiya filled my world for a slice of time with other colours: reds and yellows, oranges and greens, mirrors and silver that caught and reflected the light in a hundred different directions. Step by step.
I’m learning to let my body take over for a change, to follow my feet. Let’s see where they lead me.